It's Andy Fish!

I don’t understand the rise of Craft Beer, I don’t understand it at all. Not too long ago we attended a surprise party of our very good friend Bill at a Craft Beer joint in Holden– it’s an extremely popular place. I’ve been there once or twice at the invitation of other friends and I sincerely tried to find something I would like there.

For Craft Beers I asked if there was anything that tasted like either Corona Premier ™ which is the ONLY beer of any kind I can tolerate– and they gave me a slightly lighter beer than the usual offerings. I find most craft beers to be so dark you could hide something in them. I took a sip and let it get warm so they could throw it out.

I even tried some of the Seltzer’s they had and realized I like those even less. Back to the party- we arrived and took our place in the back. Bill and his wife arrived and he had a travel coffee mug with him because it turns out he hates all craft beers too–I was very happy to hear this– I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t like the stuff.

He told me the surprise was ruined as soon as his wife told him they had to swing by the place, initially he declined telling her he’d meet here elsewhere, but the clincher was when he saw my car in the parking lot (I thought I had parked discreetly) because he knew I wouldn’t be caught dead there.

So where am I going with this? Remember that art show we did a few weekends ago? They were sponsored by LIQUID DEATH ™ which is a sparkling water/seltzer producer. I figured it would be a good chance to see if maybe just maybe there was some kind of non beer but still hipster drink that I could fall back on.

For the record, we didn’t have the “Fruity Pebbles” flavor shown above– I’m not sure I would have even tried that one.

So I walked over to the ice filled coolers loaded with Death and decided I would buckle down and try at least three.

First up, Brown Can- they called it ROOT BEER– and it didn’t taste anything like Root Beer. I’m not sure what it is about sparkling water or seltzer that bothers me, maybe it’s because it’s like Alka Seltzer ™ or maybe it’s because I think it should be a mixer rather than a beverage.

Root Beer – F

Next up, Green Can – “this one tastes like Sprite!” — yeah I can see that. Remember when you were a kid and you’d get your own fountain drink and the syrup had clearly run out and it was just carbonated water with a tiny bit of flavor? Remember your face when you sipped it? What was your next step? Dump it into the drain and try another fountain and complain to the teenager behind the counter who said they would get to it. Well, that’s what Green Can tasted like.

Green Can – D-

Next up – Purple Can – “tastes like Dr Pepper!” say the fans– I don’t like Dr Pepper to begin with, but I have to say this one was at least drinkable. Not “Oh man I can’t wait to get another one, but it wasn’t wretched.

Purple Can – C It’s not wretched!

White Can – here’s a surprise– White can is just water– not carbonated, not spritzed with fake sweeteners– it’s just water. Now nothing says hobo like drinking water out of a tin cup but at least it’s just water. I don’t know why they make it in a giant can, but maybe they’re trying to justify the cost of just having plain water in a can.

White Can – B+ Nothing says Hobo like drinking water out of a tin cup!

So there you have it, I’ll have to look at see if that Craft Beer Joint carries this brand if then if they have the white can– because if I’m stuck there because friends wanted to go I’d rather drink that than a warming glass of Luke warm pee.