It's Andy Fish!

This Halloween we decided to dive headfirst into the Friday the 13th film franchise—making it through parts 1 to 5 – and I have to say, these movies were far worse than I ever imagined. I’m convinced they’re written using the WAG Screenwriter version of Mad Libs.

The formula is brutally simple: Teens arrive at Crystal Lake. Teens pair off. Teens take their clothes off. Teens are brutally murdered. Acting skills? Optional. Nudity? Practically mandatory. After sitting through multiple entries, I’m left genuinely wondering who the fans of these films are. My kid brother loves them for the so-bad-it’s-funny acting and nonsensical plots—but beyond that, there’s not much on offer. These movies aren’t the least bit frightening, and even the jump scares are so clumsily telegraphed that it would take a truly unobservant soul to be startled.

Back in the day, I had a few friends who swore by these movies. They’d make a game of it—placing bets on which girl would be topless first, who might survive the slaughter, and how many times Jason would appear to die before springing back like a homicidal jack-in-the-box.

The scripts feel like they were written by middle schoolers, the acting hovers somewhere below high school theater, and the directing is… well, let’s say “aspirational.” Scenes supposedly set in pitch darkness are lit so brightly you could read a book.

So why am I devoting six paragraphs to what may be one of the worst franchises in cinematic history? I suppose it’s my way of justifying the hours I’ll never get back.

As general entertainment, I’d give these films less than half a star. As Halloween background noise, if you enjoy watching painfully annoying cardboard characters meet creatively gruesome ends, you might find some charm in their campy absurdity. Somebody does—because they keep making them.

EDIT: Since writing this I watched Part VI (yes I know- why in the world would I keep going) and that one is easily the best of the series so far. Still far from what I’d call scary but to date (and I’ve not seen Part VII and up yet) the only one that seems to be made by a competent group actors through director.