LETTING GO
Veronica nails the final attempt at the Lobster game on the Boardwalk at Epcot.
Let me put the photo above in perspective. After the death of our beloved Australian Silkie Terrier, Austin, Veronica and I traveled to Florida on one of the final weeks in January. We spent a few days at Epcot enjoying very authentic foods from the International Pavilion. One night as we were walking near the UK Area she asked me if I’d ever seen the Boardwalk area— I had not— so we walked a fair distance to a really wild, and incredibly quiet area— it included an amazing Deli— you folks know I love Deli’s— I got an amazing Italian Sub on a beautifully fresh baked French bread loaf. It was warm enough outside to enjoy it on the water. From there I found a soft pretzel stand- another weakness of mine and then the lone game that was still open— the Lobster Bucket game.
The object of the game was to place a rubber lobster on a launcher, hit said launcher with a hammer and send the lobster flying through the air and landing in a spinning pot a few feet away.
I didn’t play because I wanted to take in Veronica playing— she’s so much fun to watch. She laughs at herself, but she gives it 100% every time. The first attempt was waaaay off. The second attempt was closer. The third and fourth attempt seemed to get subsequently worse, but the last one? Right on the money and she walked away with a stuffed fish.
An amazing night— and one I won’t forget.
It got me thinking about our friendship— it’s going on 25 years. We’ve been married for 15 of those years this October. We are together nearly 24/7 365 days a year and we get along better than anyone two people I know.
On the journey of life you will find your circle of friends shrink. The question becomes what did I do to lose those friends and why it might be a good thing.
Friendships are born of many fires- friendships built on shared values and goals, friendships of circumstance, friendships of expectations.
Friendships based on shared values and goals are the rarest and therefore often the strongest. You cut each other slack. You encourage each other. You make each other laugh. You enjoy being around this person and most importantly they build you up when you’re down, they’re the first one there in good times or bad. They want you to succeed. If you even have ONE of these friends then consider yourself successful. If this person happens to be your spouse then you found the golden prize box, you scored the ultimate reward. Go find this person right now, call them, visit them, give them a big hug and tell them how important they are to you. Repeat if you have more than one — you are truly blessed.
Friendships of Circumstance are less solid. It might be fifth period chemistry, it might be a co-worker. This person makes some circumstance better and you try expanding that friendship outside of the circumstance. Some friendships born of this are genuine, most are not. When the circumstance goes away, often the friendship does too. You might try to hang on to it, but the likelihood is that this will fall away.
Friendships of Expectations are the most shallow. Remember in SEINFELD when the show was really good and Elaine and George find themselves going to an even together without Jerry? They realize they have a friendship of expectations— they are friends in laws— and while those too can sometimes generate real friendships most of the time they are supporting characters for your shared friend.
As you continue on your journey you’ll begin to find yourself losing friends. People break off, they start their own families, they move away, when we’re younger we take these things personally, as we get further into our journey we realize that this is a natural progression. Instead of chasing phantom friendships embrace the ones that still exist.
You might also reconsider accepting invitations to events you don’t enjoy so much. Early in our journey many of us see large friend groups as a sign of our own personal value, we often look for acceptance and assurances that we are a good person and all of these friends prove that. The reality is in that large group are people from the various friendship groups listed above.
If you find yourself at an event and you’re listening to the same complaints, the same stories, the same conversations that you didn’t enjoy the first six times you heard them you might was to re-think the invitation the next time through.
Learning how to accept and even enjoy the solitude, be it sitting in a quiet room or taking a walk on a nice day and really seeing and enjoying the world around us might just be more rewarding than those get togethers.
I’m not advocating for a crochety hermit existence, but rather a selective social life that actually feels beneficial to you. Be prepared to let go those relationships that feel like you’re doing all the work, or that it would disappear without your efforts. Put the energy on relationships that have a stronger foundation.
