why don’t I like Star Wars?

Ralph McQuarrie Darth Vader concept statue in my studio. In the foreground is some kind of bizarre Alien Batman figure that I thought was fun.

May the Fourth is Star Wars Day— because May the Force Be With You! Get it? I really don’t know why anyone cares but probably the Number One Question I get (after is Andy Tiberius Fish my real name) is the shock of my lack of interest in STAR WARS. It’s like a rite of passage that those of us living and working in the geek world be devoted to Star Wars, Star Trek, Harry Potter, The Marvel Cinematic Universe and Doctor Who— well I got news for ya; I love the Original 1966-1969 Star Trek TV Series, I like the first Star Trek Movie (from 1979) but after that— no interest in Star Trek. No interest in any of the other items on the list— and I’ve tried, believe me I’ve tried.

If you traveled back in time to 1977 10-11 year old Andy would have a room full of Star Wars posters, the Kenner Action Figures, a very small amount of the space ships, the Star Wars record album, comic books, etc.

But from the get go- I was a fan of Darth Vader. I hated Luke Skywalker, who I thought was a whiney little B**** which I could see even at that age, and thanks to the exposure I got to actual classic movies via my film loving great aunt I was able to tell that Han Solo was a bad actor— and Princess Leia always had a face that looked like she smelled something bad. Bottom line- I didn’t like the “good guys” other than Ben Kenobi— and like Alec Guiness who played the role, he thought the whole thing was kinda stupid. Let’s face the fact, folks, STAR WARS is a children’s story— and I’m talking about the first one, the one that came out Memorial Day 1977 and did not have A NEW HOPE in its title. It was a simple B-Movie action adventure serial condensed to 90 minutes— it was a fun Summer movie and I saw it (not kidding) over 40 times over the course of that Summer where it played continuously until the Fall came.

So what soured me on STAR WARS?

1980 — I was excited for the sequel— you have to remember this was a time where sequels were rare. Yes we had Godfather II, and they were working on SUPERMAN II, but it was not the norm to create tent pole movies. KING KONG (1976) which was one of my favorite boyhood movies, even got a sequel in 1986 and I didn’t know about it.

I was 13 or 14 when my Uncle and I got in line for THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK. Ironically it’s also the very last time I waited in line for anything. I’m not making that up. As we waited, we were probably talking about stereo equipment or bicycles (I was an avid cyclist by then) or dogs or whatever else and the guy behind us leans in and says “I already saw it— Luke gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader AND we find out Darth Vader is Luke’s father.

Both of these concepts seemed so impossible my Uncle and I both nodded and then rolled our eyes thinking this dope was just making stuff up to seem like a big shot.

The Movie started— Luke seemed to have grown up a bit and was less whiney— the Rebels were holed up on some ice planet in some caves and soon enough The Empire came in and started really kicking some butt— sending them scurrying away. Darth Vader made a dramatic appearance, now complete with his own cool theme music and I smiled as I gulped down my drink, my hot buttered popcorn and a liberal dose of snow caps dropped in for effect. This was going to be a good movie.

Then it all started to fall apart. Han Solo, still badly acted by bad actor Harrison Ford— the guy is wooden, the guy acts like a carpenter put in front of a movie camera, which is what he was, and Lando Calrissian played by Billy Dee Williams was worse. When Lando betrayed Han and his group turning them over to Vader I was back on the edge of my seat with that big smile.

Then it collapsed. Luke fought Darth Vader and sure enough, just as that mouth breather behind me had predicted— he got his hand cut off and Darth revealed he was his little boy after all. I put my popcorn down and sat back in my chair, hoping this nonsense was going to end soon. It ruins the effect when you connect two lead characters together like this— the only thing worse would be to learn that Princess Leia was Darth Vader’s daughter— and they’d wait until the completely wretched sequel to this mess RETURN OF THE JEDI released in 1983 to pull that hack out.

Worse, I later learned that the original line was Darth asking handless Luke “Do you know who killed your father?”

Luke responds “Ben told me you did!”

To which Vader responds “No, Ben Kenobi killed your father!”

THAT is so much better. That complicates the storytelling so much more and gives us a more classic element. Luke’s mentor, the man he loved like a true father, the man who has lead him on his quest to become a Jedi Knight— THAT man killed his father.

Darth being his father cheapens the whole thing. It’s coincidental, it’s lazy writing.

It’s not the last time George Lucas would make a bad decision, in the even worse sequel, RETURN OF THE JEDI— the original plan was for the story to be set on a planet of Wookie’s— the seven foot tall apelike creatures of whom Chewbacca hails from. Instead someone convinced Lucas he could sell stuffed animals of the “cute” Ewoks who populated the planet. The trouble is these Ewoks had to be able to beat Imperial Stormtroopers with rocks and sticks. Something that is believable when they are seven foot tall powerful primates, something that makes the Stormtroopers look like the keystone cops when these tiny bear creatures are able to do it.

So, there you go, the official stance is I like the original Star Wars for what it is, a fun Summer movie with a simple plot— same level as 1980s FLASH GORDON which has a lot more style than STAR WARS ever could— but after that? You can have the sequels.