WANTED: one pope, big hats, castle provided
With the passing of Pope Francis the Vatican is putting out some want ads to fill the big chair. I looked into it and I have all the qualifications needed. I thought you had to be a Cardinal— turns out all you have to be is 1- A Man and 2- Baptised Catholic. I pulled out my birth certificate to double check and sure enough I was born a boy. I’m in.
The pay is $32,000 a month— A MONTH, housing included as well as meals, a sweet walk in closet of big hats and even a Pope Mobile which if I get the job I’m going to trick out a little with maybe a flame thrower on the back or the ability to swing a bat-turn in Vatican square in case of emergencies.
$32k a month— I can swing that if I cancel my Netflix subscription, I don’t really watch it anyway. Did I mention housing? It’s a gold castle. Oh yeah and there’s the Vatican Army which I’m pretty sure lives underground and I think they’d be under my command.
I discussed this with one of my favorite and most trusted advisors;
“You’re too young.” He said. “They hire like 80 year old guys.”
“Maybe they want to go in a different direction? It would be cool to be Pope for like 40 years.”
“You’re not Catholic, you’re buddhist.”
“Not ENTIRELY true. The previous pope was almost a communist— I was baptized a Catholic, I go to a catholic church, I accept the teachings of many religions. I’m more Sikh than I am buddhist, but I like to keep my hair short, so I can’t be Sikh.”
“You’re married.”
“There is absolutely nothing in the requirements that says I can’t be. It’s literally what I described in the first paragraph.”
So I’m whipping up my CV in case they want to go in a fresh, different direction. I’ve been on MANY tough interviews over the years— and here’s the truth— I’ve never not been offered the job afterwards— so if I can just get an interview, Pope Sidious might just be the new pope (you get to choose your name too— how sweet is that).
I’ll let you know how it goes, the interviews start next week.
PS- for those of you easily offended, relax, I was just kidding— I don’t actually have a Netflix subscription.
