Bond Tuesdays...OCTOPUSSY (1983)

I don’t know why I would ever have chosen to see OCTOPUSSY in theaters, but see it I did. There is a time in your life where the only thing you can do is go to the movies and 1983 about fits. My best friend in High School was also a Bond fan so maybe he talked me into it.

This is the James Bond film where Bond, James Bond, licensed to kill British Secret Service Agent, idol of millions, smooth, dapper and the essence of cool in the 60s not only jumps the shark, he smashes head first into the ramp— Bond might have been cool in the 60s, but in the 70s they decided to make him a clown and in 1983 they went all in.

Many people left the theater saying this was the worst James Bond movie of all time, they said that until 1985 when Bond returned in A VIEW TO A KILL and then they all said THAT was the worst James Bond movie of all time, or at least since that time he dressed as a clown, but with these Bond films just when you think the bottom has dropped out we hit a new low.

Either way— VIEW TO A KILL is next up but right now we’re dealing with this mess. Roger Moore was older than Sean Connery when they hired him, if that makes any sense. It was showing in the last movie and it’s worse now. The womanizing has always been a low point of the character for me but its especially uncomfortable now. At least Maude Adams is only about twenty years younger than he is, rather than the seemingly forty year difference of most Bond girls. Moore was, from everything I understand, a gentleman with a good sense of humor— he and the producers saw the Bond films as escapist fun entertainment. I wish I agreed with them. One more Moore and then we’ll have Timothy Dalton liven things up.

BOND: ** It’s not his fault he’s getting old, but they should have done something with the character— there’s nothing worse than a skirt chasing old guy.

MUSIC: * I think this is Carly Simon again, I didn’t like her other one much, I like this one less.

VILLAIN; Maude Adams who was in MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN is here as the title character, and she’s kind of the bad guy until she’s not. **

BOND RATING: ** the bottom has dropped out kids, and we’re sitting in it.

BOND will return, but you’ll wish he hadn’t, in A VIEW TO A KILL, but we’ll be skipping that entirely since we already reviewed it.

So after Moore left Timothy Dalton came in as Bond for two films, both of which, THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS and LICENSE TO KILL we reviewed the last two weeks. Next up would be Pierce Brosnan who I thought would be an excellent choice as Bond.

I was wrong.

Because this is MY blog— and MY reviews we’ll be jumping the Brosnan’s since I think they are worse than the worst of the Roger Moore ones and getting into Daniel Craig.

Next week.

Bond Tuesdays: LICENSE TO KILL (1989)

Timothy Dalton is back as James Bond but he’s working with a script that seems like it was written for Dirty Harry rather than Double O Seven. There are so many things that don’t work in this one it’s hard to believe it’s only been two years since THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS. The producers saw the success of Dalton’s harder edge and decided to up the ante by having a good friend of Bond’s tortured and his wife killed leading Bond on a blind path of revenge.

This is also the first Bond film based on a Bond book not written by Ian Fleming— and maybe that’s where it goes wrong, but this one is just NOT fun at all— it’s an angry unpleasant ride even thought Dalton is still a great Bond.

BOND will return but sadly Dalton won’t in GOLDENEYE

• BOND: Dalton is working with really bad material and a weaker cast this time ***

• VILLAIN: The guy from Die Hard, makes Joe Don Baker look cultured *

• THEME SONG: Meh *

• HENCHMAN: Nadda *
  OVERALL BOND RATING: **1/2

Well kids we made it through the BOND FILMS and the first four actors to play James Bond. Next up is Pierce Brosnan who I was excited for at the time but in rewatching the first one they are the worst Bond films and that’s saying something since I sat through A VIEW TO A KILL.

So we’ll be skipping right over Pierce and jumping to Daniel Craig but next week we’ll be running the review for 1983’s OCTOPUSSY because somehow I missed that one.

Who Would Win, James Bond or John McClane?

Bond... FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981)

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY marks the first Bond film I skipped when it came out. Indiana Jones was out and made Bond look ridiculous. I disliked MOONRAKER so much I had no interest in this one, despite the reviews that said it was the best Bond film in years. When I finally saw it I didn’t think much of it. I don’t know how old Roger Moore was when he makes this one but it’s showing and it’s particularly ridiculous when girls young enough to be his granddaughter are smitten with him.

Today we’d call this film a soft reboot— same actors but new attitude— and the opening pre credit scene with Bond at the grave of his wife and then attacked shortly after by the man who killed her would certainly lead us to believe we’re in for a more serious Bond— but then during a crucial moment where he’s about to kill said villain he offers to buy Bond a delicatessen (?!) before he’s eliminated. All right so how about the rest of the movie? Well it’s smaller in scale and it’s about revenge and Moore does attempt to keep the threat seeming to mean something, so he’s actually better in this one than the last one, but the movie itself is kind of slow and plodding with a not really interesting supporting cast. The Bond girl is the one looking for revenge and it’s awfully strange when he talks her out of killing the guys she’s been after for the whole movie and that the right thing is to turn him over to the authorities— 12 or 13 Bond movies and he’s killed the villain at the end of EVERY single one of them. Now he’s reading them Miranda rights?

• BOND: Moore was getting tired, the producers knew it and they were looking for a new Bond— but he’s back for more and he’s trying a little harder. ** 1/2

• THEME SONG: By Sheena Easton and its wretched. *

• VILLAIN: He’s played by Julian Glover who is interesting because he was almost cast as James Bond back with Live and Let Die. They probably went the right way because he’s not very memorable. **

• OVERALL BOND RATING: **1/2 it should probably be a 3 but I’m getting sick of watching these. It’s a long way before they get good again and the worst is yet to come.

Bond will be back in OCTOPUSSY — which I think I did see in theaters and I still would like my money back.

Bond...MOONRAKER (1979)

As a 12 year old boy I loved the previous Bond movie so I was excited when this one came out, and probably at the time I liked it— but I was 12. I saw it again years later and thought it was absolute drek, so going into this now I was wondering if it was as bad as I remembered.

It was.

The theme song is “Where are You?” but it might have been more appropriate if they’d gone with “What Were We Thinking?”— the next James Bond movie was supposed to be FOR YOUR EYES ONLY But instead STAR WARS came out and did killer business so they opted to make MOONRAKER which they thought would cater to that crowd. Sadly it’s not the worst Roger Moore James Bond film but it is the one that officially proclaimed WE ARE NO LONGER TRYING!

Jaws is back as the killer from the previous movie but from the opening scene he’s treated more as comedy relief than as an actual threat— when your pre credit scene ends in a circus I guess you shouldn’t be surprised that your movie is full of clowns.

This time around Drax is the badguy and he’s a guy who wants to pioneer space, it will save mankind so he’s going to steal nuclear missles and blow up the world or he’s going to steal spaceships and blow up the world— I’m not sure, I stopped trying too.

James Bond will be back in FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

• BOND: Roger Moore is cashing his paycheck, they don’t care about making a serious spy thriller any more, so why should he care either? *

• THEME MUSIC: It’s disco space and its dreadful. *

• VILLAIN: Drax is pudgy and annoying, he reminds me of a D&D Fan going on endlessly about Hobbits and my eyes glaze over. *

• OVERALL BOND RATING: *1/2 and I’m being generous

Bond...SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977)

Growing up in the 70s Roger Moore was my favorite Bond and this movie and MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN were my favorite Bonds— man how times change. This one is probably Moore’s best outing, but he’s still just not James Bond— he’s Roger Moore playing James Bond. This one is slicker than most of the other Bonds but it also has a hard time taking itself seriously. The scenes filmed in Egypt at night are really well done and the Henchman this time around is Richard Kiel as Jaws— who is a 7 foot tall metal toothed menace— but he’s sometimes played for laughs which doesn’t help. You wouldn’t find Oddjob in GOLDFINGER dropping a heavy block on his own foot.

Ringo Starr’s wife Barbara Bach is the Bond girl, in this case the Russian equivalent to 007 and she’s a horrible actress although I never noticed at the time. I also never noticed Moore’s womanizing which comes across as just plain creepy— maybe I got up and got popcorn during the love scenes, maybe it just went over my head completely— hey I was eleven.

The villain is an environmentalist who thinks it’s better to destroy the world and start over again. Maybe the Bond producers should consider the same thing, but it’ll take another thirty years (!) before they do.

An interesting development in the minor characters, Q who is in charge of coming up with the crazy weapons Bond uses seems to gain some real prominence as the series goes on, which makes little sense. He started as a working class guy in MI6 and now he’s standing with the highest ranking officials during top secret meetings.

Anyway, this is Moore’s best Bond film to date, and probably ever, there are rumors that one that is coming up in a few short years is better but I’ve never seen it so we’ll see how it plays out.

BOND will return in MOONRAKER

• BOND: Moore is never going to be Connery, time to accept that the series is doing James Bond Lite. ****1/2

• VILLAIN: Stromberg has a great voice but he’s not very threatening. ****

• THEME SONG: You either like Carly Simon or you don’t- I don’t. **

• HENCHMAN: Jaws could have been the best henchman of all time, it’s s pity they weren’t taking the series seriously anymore. ****
  OVERALL BOND RATING: ****

Bond....MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN (1974)

Roger Moore’s second outing as James Bond is not much of an improvement from his first and there are growing pains evident.

The director attempted to make Moore as savage as Connery could be— which matched the books— but as I stated in my review of the last film Moore is too much of a gentleman to pull it off. When he threatens Maude Adams with a broken arm we don’t buy it— we don’t like it either. Bond’s constant distraction with the ladies gets really old for me too.

But there is enough in here to make it an interesting take; Christopher Lee as the title character is great as he was in virtually anything he was in. The little guy from Fantasy Island is the main henchman, and although he offers little in way of an actual threat he’s a character that has some interesting aspects to him. It would have been so great if they’d made him an actual mini version of Oddjob from GOLDFINGER, which was the original intention. Lee’s Scaramanga has an island hideout complete with a live action shooting gallery with some interesting characters as wax figures including Al Capone and James Bond himself— luckily Scaramanga had enough foresight to not order the Sean Connery one from Sharper Image and got one that looked like Moore instead because that’s going to be an important plot element.

Overall, it’s not the best Bond film and it was the biggest bomb at the time, but it’s got some good stuff in it too. Interesting side note, this was by far my Favorite Bond Film when I was a wee lad. This is why we should never let kids vote.

Bond will be back, this time Moore finds his own, in THE SPY WHO LOVED ME.

BONDERISMS

• BOND: Moore is better in this one, but he’s still not Connery and they need to stop trying to pretend he is. ****

• VILLAIN: Christopher Lee is suitably creepy. *****

• THEME SONG: A very 70s soulish number by Shirley Bassey. ***

• HENCHMAN: Nick Nack is pretty interesting but ultimately ineffective. ****1/2
  OVERALL BOND RATING: ***1/2

Bond...LIVE AND LET DIE (1973)

I think the only way you can accept the Bond films is to imagine there are two versions of the same character— the Sean Connery Bond who was oft times a cold calculated killer, and the Roger Moore Bond who was more gentlemanly with a bit more humor. George Lazenby, Timothy Dalton and Daniel Craig are in the Connery camp, while Pierce Brosnan is in the Roger Moore one. Roger Moore isn’t Sean Connery, and in this early one they’re trying to play him that way, but it doesn’t work. Moore seems out of his element when he’s trying to be stern, and that seems to be the case because in interviews it’s been said that he was the fittest of Bonds at the time, and that he was made out of granite, but he didn’t like anytime he was asked to be mean.

Here’s the story for this one, Bond has to travel to the United States to chase after a heroin dealing outfit that is somehow taking out secret agents. He starts in Harlem and ends up in Lousiana dealing with voodoo rituals and bumbling sheriffs. The villain this time is Mister Big, and his right hand man is the sinister Baron Samedi who might actually be the spectre who leads the dead rather than just a guy. Overall it’s an entertaining adventure movie and if you can let go your preconceptions of Connery as Bond you might find yourself liking this. The comedy with the sheriff is uncomfortably bad, but it’s going to get worse because…

James Bond will be back in MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN and so will the sheriff.

• BOND: Roger Moore is a different kind of Bond, get over it. ***1/2

• THEME MUSIC: Paul McCartney and Wings— you either dig this or you don’t. ***

• VILLAIN: I don’t hate Mr Big as much as most Bond fans do, and Baron Samedi is great. ****

• OVERALL BOND RATING: ***1/2